I was going to do a post on Centering Prayer since I am so over due to put up something of an explanation. But as I came to write I realized that I need to own the space I am in and admit what I am feeling, and what I am feeling tonight is very fragile. I’ve talked before about feeling fragile but this time it is different. My frailty this time is centered around the changes that are coming for me. I’m still not at liberty to fully share but as plans become more finalized I find myself questioning the path I am taking. I wonder if I’m really supposed to be making this change and fear threatens to take both my breath and my courage.
Tonight as I did my Centering Prayer practice, I realized that I need some support for this space. The places I would normally turn to for support cannot be there for me because they don’t understand. My changing means HUGE changes for them so they are unable to hold space for me here. They pose questions and make statements that sound supportive but really their words are the primary triggers for me questioning my decision. I want them to understand, to accept and to be okay with me changing but I don’t think they can. I also don’t think I can explain my need for this change in a way that will make sense to them. I only know that to not do it would mean slowly ceasing to truly exist. I have fought…am fighting too hard to find my voice and own my truth and I cannot afford to back away from the fight simply because others don’t get it.
I recently wrote out my Life Manifesto. One of the statements in my Manifesto is “people will question you, own your truth anyway”. I’m trying to hold on to that in this space but I know I need some extra support. So if you are someone who prays, would you mind praying for me as you think of it. Pray for peace as I continue down this path. I’ve walked with God long enough to know that clarity doesn’t always come when and how we want it but His peace can still be present even in the fog. So please pray for peace. Please also pray that I will find others who will understand this place I am in and who can help offer me support as I make these changes. And finally, please pray that as my fears rear their ugly heads, I will turn and face them and not run from them. Lots of fears are showing up and I realize that is necessary part of any change but I want to use my fears as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks.
I never take it lightly when others choose to pray for me. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart, your prayers are deeply appreciated; they are a gift for which I am extremely grateful. Thank you!