It has been a raw couple of days for me. I took a risk and shared the details of my last post on another friend’s blog. Most of the comments came from my friends and it was great to feel their love and support. I have no way of knowing how many people saw it but I knew that putting it out there in a currently more visible place was something I had to do. It was a hard but good step for me to take.
A few weeks ago I watched the movie Burlesque starring Cher and Christina Aguilera. This song from the movie has stuck with me and has played on repeat in my head for the last several days.
As I got to thinking more about the lyrics in the song, I realized that this song is how I am feeling right now, particularly as it relates to trusting God for the fulfillment of a specific promise in my life. It was the ongoing delay in that promise that became the trigger for my spiral into darkness last year. In that dark space, I was pushed way past the point of breaking and to be honest I wasn’t sure I would come through it with my faith intact. But I didn’t break, not completely anyway; parts of me broke but I think it was the parts that needed breaking. My faith was shaken but it didn’t come undone entirely. There is still something so strong inside of me and though I am down I’m getting back up again.
I feel like the enemy of my soul tried to take me out and tried to get me to give up on this promise I KNOW God has given me. But God has been steadily encouraging me to hold on to the promise. Even in the midst of the darkness, He asked me not to give up. And though last year almost broke me and I just about gave up, I’m finding my fight again. I won’t pretend that it is easy. I don’t have a lot of faith energy at this point but with each baby step forward, I find more strength to keep fighting. I’m showing up, every day just showing up and asking God to help me not give up. Asking Him to help me hold on until He brings the promise to pass.
I won’t lie, it has felt like a total uphill battle to engage my faith in this area again. But God is putting wind under my faith wings. He has made it okay that my faith is mustard seed small right now and He has made it okay that I doubt more than I believe but He is consistently asking me to trust Him. Over and over again in a multitude of different ways He is telling me to trust Him. He knows how hard this is for me but He is here, He is holding my hands and He will bring this promise to pass. Even if today my heart doesn’t completely believe it to be true, He has given me some friends who are bridging the faith gap for me. They aren’t standing in that gap alone though I am there too. Daring to show up, daring to fight, daring to believe again that He who has begun a good work in me WILL carry it on to completion.
I may be circling my Jericho for the 7th time but maybe just maybe this is the time that the wall comes down and I get to walk into my Promised Land. I’m not going to pretend that my faith is so super strong because really it feels more thread-bare than super strong. I wonder in the back of my head, what if this time is number 5 and I have to keep circling but I’m trying not to go there. If it’s true that it is always darkest before the dawn then my dawn must be coming because I can’t recall a time in my life more dark than last year. So all of that to say that the enemy didn’t win. There’s still some fight left in me for this dream and today I’m digging in to find that fight because this, this is not the end. This story isn’t over yet. I’m back on my feet again and I am fighting for this dream. You haven’t seen the last of me.